Dear Abby Dilemma: He’s Still Married! Advice for the Undivorced Boyfriend

A woman wrote to Dear Abby, seeking advice about her boyfriend who, despite their long-term relationship and promises, remains legally married to his estranged wife. The writer is concerned about his lack of action and the potential future implications of his marital status on their relationship.

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my boyfriend for eight years. He has been separated from his wife for 12. They have no contact. He keeps promising he is going to get a divorce, but he never does. I am tired of waiting. If he doesn’t get a divorce, I don’t see a future for us. Am I wrong for feeling this way? – WAITING IN WASHINGTON

DEAR WAITING: You are not wrong. After eight years, your feelings are completely justified. It’s understandable that you’re frustrated by the lack of progress in your boyfriend’s divorce proceedings. His continued failure to take action suggests a lack of commitment to your shared future. Explain to him that you need certainty to move forward, and give him a firm deadline. If he does not follow through, you will have your answer.

Undivorced Boyfriend Causes Relationship Strain: A Deep Dive into a Common Dilemma

The situation highlights a common yet complex issue in modern relationships: one partner lingering in a previous marriage, creating uncertainty and anxiety for their new partner. The “Waiting in Washington” scenario presented to Dear Abby encapsulates the frustration and impatience that can build when divorce promises remain unfulfilled. This issue often extends beyond personal feelings, affecting legal rights, financial stability, and future planning.

Background: The Rising Complexity of Relationships

In contemporary society, relationships are increasingly intricate, with separations and remarriages becoming more common. This complexity often leads to situations where individuals remain legally tied to their past while forging new relationships. The reasons for delaying divorce can vary widely, from financial constraints and legal hurdles to emotional reluctance and procrastination. However, regardless of the reasons, the consequences of remaining undivorced can significantly impact new relationships.

The Emotional Toll of Waiting

For the partner waiting for a divorce to finalize, the emotional toll can be considerable. The lack of legal closure can breed feelings of insecurity, as the relationship lacks the formal commitment that marriage provides. Questions about the future become clouded with doubt, and the fear of being perpetually stuck in limbo can erode trust and happiness.

In the case of “Waiting in Washington,” the eight-year wait has clearly taken a toll. The writer’s frustration is palpable, reflecting the emotional exhaustion that often accompanies such prolonged uncertainty. The promise of a divorce without concrete action can feel like a betrayal of trust, leading to a sense of disillusionment.

Legal and Financial Implications

Beyond the emotional impact, remaining legally married can have significant legal and financial implications for both partners involved.

• Property Rights: In many jurisdictions, marital property laws dictate how assets are divided during a divorce. If the boyfriend in the “Waiting in Washington” scenario were to pass away without finalizing his divorce, his estranged wife could potentially have a claim to his assets, even after a 12-year separation. This could leave his current girlfriend with nothing, despite their long-term commitment.
• Inheritance: Similarly, inheritance rights are typically reserved for legal spouses and blood relatives. Without a divorce, the estranged wife would likely be the primary beneficiary of his estate, potentially excluding his current partner entirely.
• Healthcare and Benefits: As a legal spouse, the estranged wife might still be entitled to certain healthcare benefits or other spousal privileges, depending on the specific circumstances and legal agreements.
• Tax Implications: Marital status also affects tax filings. An undivorced individual cannot file as single, which could result in different tax liabilities and benefits.
• Debt and Liability: Depending on the laws of the state, the boyfriend could remain liable for his estranged wife’s debts or financial obligations, further complicating his financial situation and potentially impacting his current partner.

Dear Abby’s Advice: A Call for Clarity and Action

Dear Abby’s advice to “Waiting in Washington” is direct and pragmatic: “You are not wrong. After eight years, your feelings are completely justified… Explain to him that you need certainty to move forward, and give him a firm deadline. If he does not follow through, you will have your answer.”

This advice underscores the importance of clear communication and setting boundaries in relationships. It emphasizes that waiting indefinitely for a divorce is not a sustainable or fair situation for the partner who desires commitment and legal security.

Setting a Deadline: A Strategy for Resolution

Setting a firm deadline is a crucial step in resolving this type of situation. It forces the undivorced partner to take concrete action and demonstrate their commitment to the new relationship. It also empowers the waiting partner to make informed decisions about their future based on their partner’s response.

If the boyfriend meets the deadline and initiates divorce proceedings, it signals a genuine intention to move forward and build a future together. However, if he fails to act, it indicates a lack of commitment or unresolved issues from his past. In this case, the waiting partner has the information needed to make a difficult but necessary decision about whether to continue the relationship.

Understanding the Reasons for Delay

While Dear Abby’s advice focuses on action and deadlines, it’s also essential to understand the underlying reasons for the delay in divorce proceedings. Some common reasons include:

• Financial Constraints: Divorce can be expensive, involving legal fees, court costs, and potential property settlements. If the boyfriend is facing financial difficulties, he may be delaying the divorce until he can afford it.
• Legal Complexities: Complex legal issues, such as disputes over property division, child custody, or spousal support, can prolong the divorce process.
• Emotional Attachment: Despite being separated for 12 years, the boyfriend may still have unresolved emotional issues related to his marriage. He might be struggling with feelings of guilt, regret, or fear of being alone.
• Fear of Confrontation: Some individuals avoid divorce because they dread the confrontation and emotional turmoil that it can involve.
• Procrastination: In some cases, the delay is simply due to procrastination and a lack of motivation to deal with the legal process.
• Estranged Wife’s Cooperation: Sometimes, the estranged wife may not cooperate with the divorce proceedings, causing significant delays. She might refuse to sign papers or participate in negotiations, requiring legal intervention and further prolonging the process.
• Religious Beliefs: Strong religious beliefs might make divorce a difficult decision, even if the marriage has effectively ended. The individual may be grappling with internal conflict between their faith and their desire to move on.
• Health Issues: Serious health problems, either his own or his estranged wife’s, could be a factor delaying the divorce. Dealing with health crises might take precedence over legal matters.

Communication is Key

Regardless of the reasons for the delay, open and honest communication is crucial. The “Waiting in Washington” should have a frank conversation with her boyfriend to understand his reluctance and address her concerns. This conversation should involve active listening, empathy, and a willingness to compromise.

Seeking Professional Help

In some cases, couples therapy or individual counseling may be helpful in resolving the underlying issues that are preventing the divorce from moving forward. A therapist can provide a safe and neutral space for both partners to express their feelings, explore their options, and develop a plan of action.

When to Walk Away

While communication and compromise are important, there comes a point when the waiting partner must prioritize their own well-being. If the undivorced partner consistently fails to take action, despite repeated promises and opportunities, it may be necessary to walk away from the relationship.

Dear Abby’s advice acknowledges this reality. By setting a firm deadline, the waiting partner is essentially giving their boyfriend one last chance to demonstrate his commitment. If he fails to meet the deadline, it signals that he is not willing or able to prioritize the relationship, and it may be time to move on.

The Importance of Self-Respect

Walking away from a relationship is never easy, especially after investing years of time and emotion. However, it is essential to prioritize self-respect and recognize that everyone deserves to be in a relationship where they feel valued, secure, and respected.

Staying in a relationship where one partner is unwilling to fully commit can lead to feelings of resentment, anger, and hopelessness. It can also prevent the waiting partner from finding a relationship with someone who is ready and willing to offer the love and commitment they deserve.

Case Studies and Real-Life Examples

Numerous real-life examples echo the “Waiting in Washington” dilemma. These cases often highlight the emotional and legal complexities that arise when one partner remains entangled in a previous marriage.

• Sarah and Mark: Sarah dated Mark for five years while he promised to divorce his estranged wife. Despite repeated assurances, Mark never took any action. Sarah eventually ended the relationship, realizing that Mark’s inaction was a sign of his unwillingness to fully commit.
• Lisa and John: Lisa was in a relationship with John, who had been separated for ten years. John’s divorce was complicated by a contentious property dispute with his ex-wife. Lisa supported John through the legal battles, but the prolonged uncertainty took a toll on their relationship. They eventually sought couples therapy to navigate the challenges.
• Emily and David: Emily dated David, who was hesitant to divorce his wife due to religious beliefs. Emily respected David’s faith but also needed the security of a legally recognized commitment. They ultimately decided to end the relationship amicably, recognizing that their values were fundamentally incompatible.

These case studies illustrate that each situation is unique, with its own set of challenges and complexities. However, they also underscore the importance of communication, boundaries, and self-respect in navigating these difficult situations.

The Role of Legal Counsel

In situations where one partner is delaying divorce, seeking legal counsel is highly advisable. An attorney can provide guidance on the legal implications of remaining married, explain the divorce process, and help protect the waiting partner’s rights.

A lawyer can also assist in negotiating a prenuptial agreement, which can safeguard assets and property in the event of a future divorce. This is particularly important if the couple plans to marry after the divorce is finalized.

Conclusion: Taking Control of Your Future

The “Waiting in Washington” dilemma highlights the importance of taking control of your future and prioritizing your own well-being. While it is natural to want to support and trust your partner, it is also essential to set boundaries and demand action when promises are not being fulfilled.

Dear Abby’s advice is a reminder that you are not wrong to feel frustrated and impatient when your partner is delaying divorce. It is a call to communicate your needs, set a deadline, and be prepared to make a difficult decision if necessary.

Ultimately, the goal is to create a relationship that is built on trust, respect, and commitment. If your partner is unwilling to fully commit to you, it may be time to move on and find someone who is. Remaining in the past may make you miss the future that is coming.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

1. Q: Why is my boyfriend delaying his divorce, even though he says he wants to be with me? A: There could be various reasons, including financial constraints, legal complexities (such as property disputes or child custody issues), emotional attachment to his past marriage, fear of confrontation, procrastination, or issues with his estranged wife’s cooperation. It’s crucial to have an open and honest conversation with him to understand the specific reasons for his delay.

2. Q: What are the legal risks of being in a relationship with someone who is still married? A: Significant legal risks exist. You won’t have any legal rights as a spouse, affecting inheritance, healthcare benefits, and property rights. If he dies without a divorce, his estranged wife may inherit his assets. You could also be excluded from important decisions related to his health or finances. Additionally, his debts or legal issues related to his previous marriage could indirectly affect you.

3. Q: How long is too long to wait for my partner to get a divorce? A: There’s no definitive timeline, as it depends on individual circumstances. However, eight years, as in the “Waiting in Washington” scenario, is a significant amount of time. Setting a firm deadline, as suggested by Dear Abby, is crucial. If your partner consistently fails to take action after a reasonable period and clear communication, it may be time to reconsider the relationship.

4. Q: What can I do to encourage my boyfriend to finalize his divorce? A: First, communicate your feelings and concerns clearly and calmly. Offer support and understanding, but also express your need for certainty. Help him explore the reasons for the delay and brainstorm solutions together. Suggest seeking legal counsel or couples therapy. Finally, set a firm deadline for action and be prepared to follow through with your own decision if he doesn’t meet it.

5. Q: Is it selfish to give my boyfriend an ultimatum about getting a divorce? A: It’s not selfish to prioritize your own well-being and seek a fulfilling relationship. Giving an ultimatum is a way to establish boundaries and communicate your needs clearly. It’s a necessary step if you’ve been waiting for a reasonable amount of time and your partner hasn’t taken action. It empowers you to make an informed decision about your future based on his response.

6. Q: My boyfriend says he can’t afford a divorce. Are there any resources available to help him? A: Yes, several resources can help with divorce costs. Legal aid societies and pro bono programs offer free or low-cost legal services to those who qualify. Some attorneys may offer payment plans or reduced fees. Mediation can be a less expensive alternative to traditional litigation. Additionally, online divorce services can provide affordable assistance with paperwork. He should research these options and explore which ones are available in his area.

7. Q: My boyfriend’s estranged wife is refusing to cooperate with the divorce. What can he do? A: If the estranged wife is uncooperative, your boyfriend will need to pursue a contested divorce. He should hire an attorney to file a divorce petition and serve it on his wife. If she fails to respond or participate in the proceedings, the court can ultimately grant a divorce without her consent, but it may take longer and involve more legal fees.

8. Q: How do I know if my boyfriend is truly committed to me, or if he’s just stringing me along? A: Actions speak louder than words. Look for concrete evidence of his commitment, such as actively working towards finalizing the divorce, including you in his future plans, being honest and transparent about his past, and prioritizing your relationship. If he consistently makes excuses, avoids taking action, or is evasive about his divorce, it may be a sign that he’s not fully committed.

9. Q: What should I do if my boyfriend gets angry or defensive when I bring up the divorce? A: If he becomes angry or defensive, try to remain calm and avoid escalating the situation. Acknowledge his feelings and express empathy, but also reiterate your own needs and concerns. Suggest seeking couples therapy to address the underlying issues that are preventing him from moving forward. If his anger or defensiveness becomes abusive or controlling, it may be a sign of a deeper problem and it is best to seek help.

10. Q: Is it ever okay to stay in a relationship with someone who is still married? A: It depends on individual circumstances and personal values. If both partners are comfortable with the situation and the undivorced partner is actively working towards a divorce, it may be possible to maintain a healthy relationship. However, it’s crucial to be aware of the legal and emotional risks involved and to prioritize your own well-being. If the situation causes you significant stress or unhappiness, it may be best to move on.